Praying for IVF Clarity

I wish I had something to update you all on but I really don’t. I have been thinking a ton about baby but that is nothing new. My mind goes from names, to wondering what traits they will inherit from what parent and then back to the how the heck are we going to afford this all within the same breathe.

I have been putting off telling my boss about our upcoming IVF until closer to our cycle and things are getting complicated. I have a business trip on January 21st. It’s only 2 days but will require a flight out of town. Normally I wouldn’t think anything of it but this meeting is the only time of year all the marketers at my Firm get together and discuss office happenings. It is a great meeting and very informative BUT and that is a big but, we had planned to start IVF in January. I could have just finished a transfer days before leaving, my transfer date could land on my meeting date or even after. Selfishly I don’t want to postpone our cycle, but I also don’t want to miss the meeting. I had planned to call the doctor about timing in a few weeks, talk to my boss once I have a better idea as to all the details and then purchase my plane ticket sometime in December. Yesterday that plan fell apart when  another marketing person in my office sent me her flight information so I could book the same flight as her and a few others. NO, not yet….too soon!! So here I am, writing down my questions, gearing up to call the doctor and praying for some light and clarity. Why can’t things just happen the way I want them to?

On another note, fall is here! My favorite time of year! I am going “up north” this weekend where I hope the leaves paint the shoreline in beautiful shades of reds, yellows and orange. While there I hope to relax and find my inner peace that has been missing for what feels like months.

Bad Dreams

I had a bad dream the other night…a nightmare to some. When I woke up I couldn’t quite remember what the dream was about but did know it had something to do with our IF and IVF. When my husband came home from a bachelor party, he started talking about the not one but two pregnant couples (one was news to me the other I just wrote about) in our group of friends and it hit me…. I dreamed that I had 2 failed IVF cycles. In the dream I remember making the comment to my husband, we should have paid for that baby assurance plan. Oh how I hope this doesn’t come true. That being said, I have also dreamed more than once of a baby boy and that hasn’t become so, they are just dreams right……

So in case you are like what assurance plan – my office has a program where you pay a set price. This set price guarantees you a baby within three tries or you get all of your money back. Sounds great right? Well here is the thing, you are paying more than you would for two IVF treatments but less than you would for three full treatments. If you get pregnant the first try or even the second you don’t get the extra money back, nor are you allowed to push it into a future child if you so choose, instead that money is just lost. We looked at the stats and with most patients getting pregnant within their first two IVF cycles we opted out of the plan. My doctors have never expressed concerns that I will get pregnant, more than anything it has just been finding the right treatments.

Can you tell I am starting to get freaked out about my upcoming IVF? T-2months before the process begins.

CD12 | Monitoring Day 1

Over the past few days leading up to today’s appointment I have been immersed with anxiety, which is not common for me. I am not sure if it was the pressure of all this business, the thought of having to give myself a shot, the fear of hearing that yet again my body wasn’t responding or that fact that this could be it, this could be the cycle that changes my life forever.

I woke up feeling good. The sun was out, it was going to be a warm(er) day, I got to sleep in past my usual 5am wakeup call and my hubby greeted me with a morning smoothie.

On my way into the office I hit traffic but was still in high spirits; only getting anxious when I realize I was going to be late (I hate being late!!). 5 minutes late for my appointment I breeze into the office, fill out my paper work and was called to the back right away.

Once in the room I did the normal prep and waited for both the tech and nurse to come in.

I didn’t like this tech nearly as much as my last, nor the nurse. This tech didn’t tell me what was happening only threw out random numbers for my nurse to write down. The nurse was “colder” than the last. I didn’t feel comfortable asking her questions since she just looked at me like I was dumb for asking any in the first place.

When the tech was talking numbers I could feel myself relax and start to smile. All the numbers she was calling out were above 20, that had to be good right? She had to be referring to the size of my follicles….right?

WRONG.

Following my ultrasound the tech left me alone in the room with the nurse. My hopes were swiftly crushed by the words “well, we see no progress just yet.” I am sure she could read the disappointment scrolled across my face. She tried lifting my spirits by informing me that it is typical in a PCOS person for follicles to take longer to respond but when they do, they really take off. As much as I would love to believe her something is just telling me that this isn’t the case. As much as I would love to keep my hope of this cycle alive deep down I am just waiting for the “well, your body had no reaction to the medication, we will need to put you on a higher dose. Call us on CD 30 if you have not yet received your period and tested negative….”

I know I know I can’t get ahead of myself but it is so hard not to. I wish I had the same nurse and tech as last time. I wish I knew if there was really no progress or just not enough progress.

I go back on Friday for more monitoring and from there my fate of this cycle will be revealed. The only up-side; my boss will be out of town so that is one less excuse I need to make!!

I sent H a text
 “:( nothing yet… I go back Friday morning”
To which he responded
“:( Date night?”

I love that he is trying to make me feel better. Part of me wants to stuff my face with food whereas the other wants to take a long run to release the negative energy and calm me down. What to do, what to do….

I will keep you posted as to what the outcome of my Friday appointment is. Until then, bring on the stress headaches!!

Full Support….I Wish!

My husband has been touch and go on the infertility support train. He is the type of person that if he is not directly affected by a situation his ability to understand and sympathize goes out the window. Because he isn’t the one making excuses to work for the multiple doctor’s appointments a month and doesn’t take upwards of 6 pills a night resulting in hot flashes and mood swings, he just can’t wrap his mind around what a struggle this has been for me both physically and emotionally.

When I asked he be tested, he refused. When I asked if he wanted to go to my first appointment with the infertility specialist (as recommended), he said he couldn’t miss work. When I spoke of  a show I saw that discussed two ladies, their infertility journey and how much they had spent on treatments he gasped and proclaimed he would never spend that much money but would rather buy me dogs.

After many talks and tears he is finally starting to get it. He has offered to go into the office with me and get himself tested followed by coming with to my appointment to learn more about what is going on. As far as the money and how far we will take things, the topic brings up too many emotions and aggravations for this early on in our journey; that is a bridge we will cross only if we must.

With him doing so well I was shocked over this past week.

Just a week or two ago he agreed to go fishing out of state with his uncle. I was supportive of them spending time together, even if it meant another long weekend alone. Because one of the guys backed out my husband’s attendance was key to keeping this trip in tact (unless his dad would make up his mind to go…).

While lying in bed trying to fall asleep my stomach dropped. Wednesday would be my first monitoring appointment of this cycle. If things were progressing as they needed to be I could have to give myself a trigger shot as early as that day. Meaning his plans to leave Thursday would not be plausible. If things were progressing but I wasn’t ready to trigger I could have to do it days later. It quickly became apparent that going out of town was no longer an option for him.

When I brought this to his attention I did so with as much finesse as possible. I stated the facts and much to my surprise he was actually mad…really mad.

His anger had me seeing red! How dare he be mad at me for something I can’t control! I didn’t know what this cycle would bring, I can’t help I have to take specific medications at specific times. At this point all of this is out of my hands. I brought to his attention that I did not plan this, I did not take all of these pills for fun and that waiting now was not an option; we would be finishing this cycle and finishing it strong. I also pointed out that for all we know this could be a wash, my body could be having no reaction to my new medication (like it didn’t with the last…), meaning no additional monitoring or trigger shot would be needed, but I wouldn’t know that until Wednesday morning.

Still not satisfied he asked if I could move my appointment up. Nope, I need to go in on CD 12, they won’t see me sooner. He then told me I had to think of a good excuse for why he couldn’t go with his uncle (why me?!).

If the above wasn’t maddening enough I pointed out to him that I have always been supportive of his outdoors hobbies. Never once have I asked him to stay home, not even when I had good reason to.

I wish so badly I could get him to take a walk in my shoes and think about how all of this if affecting me. If you have any tips, I am all ears!!

We are doing better. He hasn’t apologized for his behavior but I doubt I will ever get that. He received a call today from his uncle who said they may have to push the trip back a week, so all this fighting may have been for nothing. In the end I hope everything works out. I am hoping to see my first ever maturing follicles and am hoping his trip gets pushed back another week giving us the best of both worlds!

A New Years Eve Heart to Heart

Already making strides at a better new year my husband and I decided to deviate from our usual tradition of doing nothing to go visit some friends we haven’t seen since September.

Through the evening the ladies partook in some light conversation and in typical women fashion, some venting, while the boys sat on a couch in the basement watching sports and BSing.

It wasn’t until later that evening when one of them pulled me aside to let me know she had been thinking of me. She knew we had been trying and knew things weren’t working (as made evident by my lack of a stomach and beer in hand). I covered the basics; because I have PCOS I don’t ovulate which makes conceiving naturally impossible. I have been put on a cocktail of medications none of which seem to be having any effect on my body and have to wait until late January before I can get in to see an infertility specialist where we will learn about our next steps.

I was heartbroken when she shared they were experiencing the same issues. I expected this to happen to me, because this is just how my life works, but I ache for the others who have to deal with it.

They are still in the early stages of trying. She hasn’t consulted her OBGYN to learn of more steps they could be taking but is aware that her cycles are all out of whack. She has taken the past few months to track everything so when she does finally make that visit she is prepared.

It is comforting knowing that someone within our group of friends can relate with my situation. I finally have someone I can talk with who actually understands how I feel vs. my friends and family who either had no problem conceiving or don’t care to try any time soon.

Right On Time

If you have been keeping up you will know my mom once knew we were trying and has since been lied to. Her current belief is that we will be waiting until after the “holidays” before giving it another go. She has no idea about the additional two failed Clomid attempts and the appointment with the specialist at the end of January.

Since the lie she has been tip-toeing around the baby topic, never asking questions and quickly changing the subject when babies are brought up. During our weekly phone call yesterday out of the blue she asked. “Have you been to the doctor lately?” “Do you have an appointment set up to go back in?” “When are you going to start trying again?” “You know the holidays are over right.”

So let the lies continue….

I got lucky really. I am a planner so naturally I already had my answer thought up.

“Yea mom that was the plan, unfortunately (insert husbands name here) has done the math and if fully aware we are coming into prime hunting season. If I were to get pregnant now or within the next few months I risk not having an attentive husband/father.”

To some this may not be believable but if there is one thing that is obvious, it’s that nothing gets in the way of my husband and his hunting (or fishing). This passion of his is something I have always catered to (down to our wedding date….and sadly decor).

I continued to justify my lie by pointing out one of my best friends is getting married in November. Who wants to be super pregnant at their best friend’s wedding…or just having had a kid? Not this girl (ok secretly this girl but for the sake of my lie I am ok playing the part)!

To keep our stories straight I told my husband about the conversation. We got a good laugh and have already concocted our responses if she tries to give either of us further grief.

So I have just bought myself a few more months. With my husband’s biggest passion being deer hunting, which carves two weeks out of every November, I have bought myself until about March or April. I am hoping we can get another try (maybe two) in there before we have to fess up to our lies.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if whatever they put me on next worked right away and I could say we aren’t trying anymore (really freak her out) because we are….

A girl can dream can’t she?!

Happy New Year everyone! Hoping 2014 is an amazing one for each and every person reading this!

The Great Work Debate

I figured I should address my job situation following my last post. I don’t want you all to think I cry at the thought of going to work every day.

It’s not that I hate my job as a whole, just the day to day tasks I perform.

Prior to working at my current job I put my heart and soul into the retail store I managed. It was fun and I had a true passion for what I was doing. As head buyer and marketing manager my creativity held no boundaries. But like everything all good things must come to an end. I was quickly squeezed out when the owner decided to transform the company into a strictly family run business. Once I was training in her 35 year old son and his wife to be my boss’ it quickly became apparent I was over worked, underappreciated and under paid! No doubt it was time to jump ship.

So here I am. I work for an accounting firm whose idea of marketing is pulling together dry proposal after dry proposal. The most creative I get is when I am lucky enough to go set up a booth for a trade show, but again I am limited to whatever supplies I am given. Far from my dream career, I often ask myself why I stay.

So here you have it…..

The job itself doesn’t do anything for me but the company is amazing! I work for people who appreciate what I do for them. I am able to work a flexible schedule, have 4 weeks of PTO a year and can take off any day I need (without question).The company truly goes above and beyond to make their employees happy! Because the main focus of the Firm is accounting, not marketing, I find my job to be virtually stress-less. I go to work, do what needs to be done and go home where I can then put all thoughts of work aside and really relax.

If that’s not reason enough to stay; bring on the mom flexibility. Each birth brings a 12 week leave. Many of the mothers are given summer’s off completely. Some of the moms work part time and others work from home a few days a week. I haven’t been around much but I know this flexibility and understanding is hard to come by.

Really it comes down to this….

I have never strived to be a stay at home mom until our struggle to conceive began. Currently both my husband and I spend 12 hours a day away from home. I just can’t grasp the thought of going through all this work to essentially have someone else raise our child. No, I don’t plan to not work at all but why launch myself into a new job when the future at this point is so murky.

So I have given myself another year. If my future doesn’t clear up a little over the next year I will look for something new. Something I can love and throw all my energy into. Until then I am content where I am at….the stress free, easy going job that pays pretty ok.

Holding Off On Life

Do you ever find in this journey that you are holding off on life?

I do! I live one appointment; one call; one test to the next just hoping to get the news that my life will be changing forever. When I’m not at a doctor’s office or on the phone with a nurse I am thinking about it, about a baby or about my frustrations with my body. I have allowed a situation to define and take over me.

I have always loved to travel and yet I stopped planning trips…because what would happen if I were to get pregnant and couldn’t fly. In addition to flying, I would feel so guilty spending all this money on a trip when a baby was on the way, money that we would surely need once a baby arrived.

Rather than taking advantage of our freedom date nights with my husband currently consist of maybe going out to dinner followed by a movie at home. We both love hockey and yet we have never been to a game. We are big foodies and haven’t tried a new restaurant in years. We used to love going to the movies and though we have a cheap theater by our house we never seem to make it there….WHY?! With both of us having decent paying jobs we should splurge every once in a while, but we don’t.

My work life is less than stellar. I show up to a job I have no passion for day after day; being sucked dry of all creativity I contribute little to my marketing status. I go through the motions of the tasks expected of me but don’t take my work beyond that. I used to be so motivated and excited to make the most of my career…what happened?

Well I am here to say I am done! 2014 will be the year I focus on living again. The year I stop holding back in hopes of a bigger better future and actually actively work towards that bigger better future! Sure, we will continue to try but I refuse to stop my life on account of a bad phone call or the what-ifs life throws my way.

I will be treating my husband to a night out with dinner and hockey tickets! With one trip already planned for January I also hope to plan at least 2 maybe 3 additional trips. I am thinking NYC, Florida and MN’s North Shore.

I understand that not every day will be exciting and jam packed with fun new experiences, but at least I will have things to look forward to. Down the road I don’t want to look back at my life thinking, wow, you wasted three years doing nothing but literally sitting and waiting for a kid….with good jobs, few expenses and nothing tying you down you decided to sit at home and do nothing.

I believe in the higher power, and know that everything happens for a reason. I will have a child when the time is right. As much as I would like to rush into this chapter of my life I can’t so why not sit back and enjoy the ride…to the best of my ability.

A Recap

So if this blog has thoroughly confused you I apologies. Looking back, I would be confused to. I have been all over the board starting with try three, skipping back to try one and two with some inserts here and there and now onto try 4. Since I have you all caught up on my back story I figured I would do a quick re-cap for you and promise moving forward posts will come to you as things are happening.

So here we go….

December 2012, without saying the words my husband and I throw caution to the wind and stop protecting against kids; we would be happy with them but were just fine without.

April 2013, after a push from my general physician I visit an OBGYN after being 7 months period free. Following numerous tests I was diagnosed with PCOS and prescribed, progesterone (to induce a period) and Metformin (for insulin sensitivity).

June 2013 is when I gave my husband “The Talk.” We discussed the fact that this wasn’t going to be easy and if children are something we want we would have to be proactive, pull off the band-aide and go for it.

July 2013 is when I pushed a little harder for a time frame. If he wanted to wait another year or so that was fine I just wanted to know. …if you aren’t constantly bringing things to my husband’s attention they will quickly be forgotten.

August 2013 after much discussion we decided to make a go of it. After being prescribed Clomid try 1 was underway. 5 days following my last Clomid pill appendicitis got the best of me and I was down for the count. As if I wasn’t already down on my luck, my discharge nurse started blurting out my ever prescription to those in my room (husband and mom), inevitably revealing we were trying to my mother.

September 2013 brought on try 2 and added stress. With try one being a big fail and my mom knowing we were trying, try two was greeted with daily phone calls. When I went in for my first ultrasound, sure I had ovulated (because the test had said so), I was shocked to find out I had not and would not be ovulating this time. Try two was a bust. Between my devastation and the added pressure from my mom I finally ended up telling her we were going to hold off until after the holidays, I would get my body healthy again and give our last round of Clomid the best chance possible..yup I lied.

November 2013 brought on try 3. Maxing out on the allotted Clomid dose I was sure things would take this time. Third time would no doubt be the charm. Guess what; try three was far from a charm. Again, my body had no reaction to the and therefore ovulation was not in my near future.

December 2013 brings on try 4 and more drama…to be posted soon. (Though written, internet at my house is down)