The past weekend was spent celebrating one of my nearest and dearest and her significant other who is such a sweetheart, you can’t help but to love him!
I went into this wedding not sure how to feel. On one side I love weddings! I love everything from the excitement surrounding the bride and groom to the tiny details most wouldn’t think about or notice. On the other side, to be honest I didn’t know where I stood with my friends especially with the bride, and I still don’t. Since our girls trip to Chicago I have felt like I am on an island and can’t put my finger on why. It seems they all are getting closer while I am drifting farther and farther away. My phone calls, text messages and efforts to see them often go unanswered. I find more times than not they have been spending fun weekends together while I am sitting at home, uninvited.
It was Chicago when they all learned of my infertility journey and the severity of it. Are they mad I didn’t tell them when it all began, opted to tell some and not others, or is it just that they can’t relate and don’t know what to say to me or how to act around me?
I can’t lie; following my last post I had a massive breakdown. My husband and I laid in bed one afternoon where I sobbed for a good hour. He too is feeling the same as I am. Our conclusion is this; we get it, we are going through this massive life challenge few can relate to. Our friend’s tip-toe around us because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing, often leading to us not being included in get togethers. But here is the thing, we need the distraction. We need our friends now more than ever. We need to get out of the house, surround ourselves with people we love, laugh and most of all do something to take our mind off infertility. This requires nothing from our friends other than for them to be themselves.
So why, why do so many push us away when we need them so badly?
ANYWAY, excuse my long tangent; the wedding was so much fun. The bride was still distant but it’s her day not mine. I acted as I normally would just hoping she wanted me there as much as I was honored to be there. I got to spend two amazing fun days with my closest girls. And what is it about weddings that make you fall in love with your S.O. all over again?
It was the sweetest thing. I was making small talk with one of my friend’s family. We started with the basic, how many years have you been married now, “3”. They were shocked that is has already been three years to which I joked, “yep, honey moon stage is long over for us.” They all commented on what a great couple we make, how well we complement one another and how genuinely happy and in love we are. They shared with me that when I was walking into the reception for dinner my husband was telling everyone around him; full of pride, “that I was his wife” (btw, I was in the wedding so he was at a different table for dinner). I love hearing what he says when I’m not around because face to face we are less than serious…..”your spray tan looks orange,” “you look nice today, good thing I laid out what you were supposed to wear.” It’s all fun and games and we know we are joking but my heart melts when I hear him talk like he is the lucky one, when really I know I am.
Naturally, on queue the sister asked when we would be starting a family, and are you ready for this…I was relieved! My friend and her husband just moved back and are temporarily living with her sister. Her sister asking solidified that she had not spilled the beans on our struggle! So to that I politely answered “someday” and moved the conversation onto another topic.
So there you have it. I had so much fun spending time with my loves. I was given the opportunity to show how grateful I am just to spend time with them and how they only have to be themselves. Oh, and in a drunken stupor, I was asked to be the personal assistant in another friend’s wedding in June, a title I am totally ok with! She wasn’t in my wedding at all and I had already offered to help her on her big day with anything she needed (she is not a good stressed out person). I guess my friends do still love me….from a distance.