As we all know from our journeys through infertility you have good days, and you have bad. Today I suppose you can deem as a “bad.” No I’m not bitter today, I’m not upset with the world, asking myself why them and not me, but rather I feel as though my heart is just a little achier. Though confident and comfortable in the decision we have made on when to begin our first IVF treatment I can’t help but to feel anxious.
Most days I am totally fine. Engrossed with busy work weeks and busier weekends I have so much to look forward to in the coming months helping to keep my attention at bay. When baby is brought up I have no problem sharing in people’s excitements and while alone at home my husband and I love discussing names, traits and future family adventures with excitement and certainty. But those days have been rare in the past…at least week.
Maybe it’s the impending holiday season? The fact that my Facebook and Instagram (I know, I know I shouldn’t be on them) are quickly filling up with photos of little ones all decked out for their Halloween adventures. I can’t help but smile at their cuteness only to feel as though my heart is a little heavier. Soon enough those adorable little animals, princesses and super heroes will be garbed in their Christmas best for holiday photos. I had hoped to have a little one around for this holiday season but it just wasn’t in the cards. Yup, there is no doubt the holidays are hard for us infertiles.
Maybe it isn’t the impending holidays at all, but rather the number of questions I have had to field lately. We all know what weddings bring, especially family weddings. I have been asked on multiple occasions if we have children or when we planned to have them. Fielded with grace my responses were a simple; “not yet” and “someday.” While at a Bachelorette party this past weekend I was asked why I ordered such a large size dress. I couldn’t help but let this one get to me a little. I simply responded that it was a mistake but deep down I couldn’t help but feel foolish. What the person didn’t know was that we were in the middle of IUI treatments when my dress had to be ordered and for a moment I had allowed myself to hope, which evidently didn’t work out.
Maybe it’s the weddings themselves. Not only do you have to field all the questions from family, friends and acquaintances but we are about to see people, who have tiptoed around us, knowing our struggle, and not wanting to upset us with the fact that they are happily pregnant. Ugh the awkwardness alone is enough to make me dread what is to come.
Lately I haven’t been able to bring myself to talk about babies and yet I can’t help but to find my brain obsessing more than normal about expecting and having our little one. What will the nursery look like, names, how are we going to tell people, how will they react. I feel like when you have gone this far and wanted something this long, you want every little detail down to the diaper bag you carry to be perfect and well let’s be honest, it probably won’t be.
At the end of the day I just can’t pin-point where this mood is coming from and it is driving me nuts!
Thanks for those who stuck through my brain dump and made it to the end of this. Go enjoy a piece of chocolate or something, you deserve it !