A few weeks ago was my husband’s birthday. While shopping for his card at Target I found a card to give him from the dog. (If I haven’t shared my husband has a black lab for a side kick. He is the biggest baby in the world and my husband adores him more than life). Anyway, I wrote on the outside of the card “Papa” because that is what we always refer to him as when we are talking with the dog. Oh I wish you could have seen his face when he saw the card. It broke my heart knowing for a fleeting moment he thought this was my way of telling him I was pregnant when in fact it was just a dumb card “from a dog.”
I have found my heart to be a little achier the past few weeks. Our anniversary is coming up and every year I write my husband a note recapping our wedding night, talking about my favorite memories of the year, a lesson learned and ending with my hope for the future. In working through my letter I remember last year when I was hoping to have a baby or be well on my way to having one by this time. The realization that another year has come and gone has been weighing on my mind lately.
I am sad it has been so hard for us but grateful it hasn’t been worse. I’m hopeful that this time next year I will be rocking a bump of some size. The funny part, all this has got me thinking about how far we have come in a year. This time last year we were just starting our second round of Clomid. Babies were not a topic of conversation my husband wished to participate in as he still had the mentality of “I will never be ready until I have him/her in my arms.” This year however, it is a daily topic. My husband falls asleep throwing out baby names, and frequently talks about our future child(ren) and what they will be like. Maybe our wait has been a blessing in disguise. Maybe the world needed him to be completely ready before I could bear his child. I guess the only one who can answer that is the big guy above. Either way I am as thankful as I can be for the hand I have been dealt. (For those feeling like your husband just doesn’t get it…hand in there! He will come around.)