I wasn’t sure what to title this one…
A Dream Shattered, The Turning of a Chapter, Devastation, Typical Friday the 13th… they all sum up my Friday.
I should have known things weren’t going well when I had to go into the clinic 2 days in a row. I should have known it was worse when my nurse didn’t send me away with a game plan but rather let me know they would be calling. Friday afternoon came with a phone call, not from a nurse but from my doctor (DUN DUN DUNNNNN). This cycle was in fact canceled. With 15 follicles all growing at a rapid pace I am no longer able to continue with this try. As if that news weren’t enough to swallow she followed it up with a bomb. I felt like I was sucker punched in the face from my blind spot when I heard her say “I think it is time to consider IVF.”
Now THAT I didn’t see coming, I thought things were ok, I thought we had a few more phases to go through before we got to this point; the make or break of baby producing.
I held it together the best I could through what was left of work (thank goodness the office was empty). Once I was safely in my car I let a few tears fall and once in the safety of my own home I allowed myself one good ugly cry for as long as I needed, ridding myself of the toxic heart-ache I was feeling. Upon finishing, I picked myself up off the floor (literally), took a shower, packed my bags and headed north where I spent the weekend in my safe place, my heaven on earth. I saw my dad and brother before they left for a fishing trip, I played a ton of cards with my grandma, read a good book and ate whatever the hell I wanted (which included McDonalds, cookies, peanut M&M’s, cinnamon rolls and ice cream). The weekend allowed me to swiftly escape my looming reality.
Once at home I could tell my husband was walking on eggshells around me. I hate that feeling! So I opened up the conversation we would inevitably need to have. I’m not scared for the procedure itself; it is everything that comes with it that is so upsetting to me. This takes away the fun of having a baby, the surprise, the excitement and anticipation. In its place we have to deal with stress and debt, we are forced to have hard conversations about the what-ifs and what’s-next. What I wouldn’t give for my husband to just say; we will do whatever it takes, but that just isn’t my husband’s style.
So much was, and still is, racing through my head at this point. My husband want’s to wait, build up a savings account for the procedure and try when we have the funds. I on the other hand am not patient. I am willing to drain my savings account now if it means we can give it a go tomorrow (I know not very fiscally responsible of me (very out of character actually) but we have already waited a year…I am sick of waiting).
Since a little girl, I have dreamed of raising a family similar to the one I was raised in; young parents and three kids; all within 2 years of one another. This to me is the hardest pill to swallow. 3 kids could mean 3 IVF’s (if all goes well on the first try). Is that practical? Can we afford that? Am I or my husband willing to go through this multiple times? If the answer is no, then do we send in two embryo’s at a time praying I at least get twins off the bat?
And what if….what if it doesn’t take? How many times are we going to try before deciding we need to stop throwing our money in a hole with no end result?
I know so many of those I follow on here have been through this. Any advice you are able to give would be so greatly appreciated at this time! I need you all more than ever.