In addition to my blog I also keep a personal journal where I hash out more personal portions of my life. Tonight I took a look back on the first few entries. Having started it on March 19th 2013 I was a few months into 25 and knew the year would be life changing, just not in the way I had imagined.
My first entry talked about me, my hubby and the big debate “to baby or not to baby.” In that entry I divulge that though my husband wasn’t ready to admit we were trying, we were. There was so much hope and excitement in that very first entry; how I would give anything to go back there (well only if my outcome was different). Just one entry later I learned the PCOS term and was awaiting a doctor’s appointment to learn what my diagnosis would hold.
With no news to share I decided to share any entry I wrote at the beginning of my infertility journey. It will give you some insight into who I am, my marriage and my life leading up to infertility.
“Isn’t life funny? It is never what you think it will be and takes you places you never thought you would go. Skip past the school years because those are predictable and easy to control…it’s the rest that comes as a surprise. As a little girl you dream of your engagement to that perfect guy being romantic and surprising, candle light and rose petals. In (my) reality it was nothing like that. I picked out my ring, knew when he purchased it, even knew when he asked my dad for his blessing. I was asked Valentines morning (meerr) while in bed, bad hair, smelly breath, no makeup and all. I believed the ring would be followed by excitement and loads of fun planning. Instead we had to keep out engagement a secret as my in-laws don’t like me and freely voiced their objections to our relationship. Once they knew I found my planning to be full of tears and frustration rather then excitement and smiles. On our big day I focused on B and I. It was out day after all. The further into the day we got the more disappointed I became. This wasn’t our day but rather my in-laws day, my aunts day, my parents day. By the time we left I was so disgusted by the lack of respect people showed I knew something had to change. Sad isn’t it? How harsh reality can be.
The good stuff, the happiness wouldn’t come until after the wedding. The one reality I have found to be better than my childhood imagination would be my husband. I could have never dreamed up such a supporting and caring person. HE adores me and I am truly blessed to have him in my life. He makes me happy. With him I strive to be the best person I can be. When I fail he loves me the same. I don’t mean for my outlook on how life turned out to seem to bitter because I honestly believe I needed to go through the hell to truly appreciate what I have.
Another myth I believed to be true as a child was that if you went to college (no matter which one) tried hard and got good grades you would have no problems finding a job. Truth be told it’s all in who you know! Upon graduating college I had my heart set on a buying job in the corporate world. I took a job offer right out of college for the small local store I had already worked for. With the economy at an all time low I thought I was making the right move. I would be a co-buyer and manage all the stores marketing efforts. Impressive experience right? I wish! When it came time to move on I was slapped with the harsh reality that no one cared about my great experiences the only line of my resume they looked at was where I went to school. Because I went to a state school over a university or private school no one would consider me. At a few of the bigger corporations I thought I had it made knowing someone in HR but even they, no matter how hard they pushed, couldn’t get me an interview. It was my aunt who was able to help. It was admitted by my boss that I would have never been considered for the position had it not been for my aunts referral. That being said, with a little coaching I got the job! Now this is where life gets funny…I work for a public accounting firm. You should know now I only passed accounting in college because I sucked up to my teacher and when it became apparent I may not pass his class there were tears. Within the accounting firm I work to put together and edit proposals….though I have always been a decent writer grammar and spelling were subject I never did well in. See now isn’t life funny? I love my job! The people and the company are amazing. Just another example of something good coming from a previous crummy situation.
Now the most resent childhood myth I have come to in my life…you have unprotected sex and you will wind up pregnant. This may be true for my friends but not for me. I have my doctor’s appointment tomorrow so we shall see what the future holds for me there. Until next time…”
So there you have it. That is life as I know it. In later entries I talk about my Clomid, my failed attempts, my heart break and my fear of shots. I never imagined I would be one to have to go this far (but then again who does); but here I am. I have so much respect for all of those who are farther in their journey and while my heart bleeds for those who have only begun.