Over the past few days leading up to today’s appointment I have been immersed with anxiety, which is not common for me. I am not sure if it was the pressure of all this business, the thought of having to give myself a shot, the fear of hearing that yet again my body wasn’t responding or that fact that this could be it, this could be the cycle that changes my life forever.
I woke up feeling good. The sun was out, it was going to be a warm(er) day, I got to sleep in past my usual 5am wakeup call and my hubby greeted me with a morning smoothie.
On my way into the office I hit traffic but was still in high spirits; only getting anxious when I realize I was going to be late (I hate being late!!). 5 minutes late for my appointment I breeze into the office, fill out my paper work and was called to the back right away.
Once in the room I did the normal prep and waited for both the tech and nurse to come in.
I didn’t like this tech nearly as much as my last, nor the nurse. This tech didn’t tell me what was happening only threw out random numbers for my nurse to write down. The nurse was “colder” than the last. I didn’t feel comfortable asking her questions since she just looked at me like I was dumb for asking any in the first place.
When the tech was talking numbers I could feel myself relax and start to smile. All the numbers she was calling out were above 20, that had to be good right? She had to be referring to the size of my follicles….right?
Following my ultrasound the tech left me alone in the room with the nurse. My hopes were swiftly crushed by the words “well, we see no progress just yet.” I am sure she could read the disappointment scrolled across my face. She tried lifting my spirits by informing me that it is typical in a PCOS person for follicles to take longer to respond but when they do, they really take off. As much as I would love to believe her something is just telling me that this isn’t the case. As much as I would love to keep my hope of this cycle alive deep down I am just waiting for the “well, your body had no reaction to the medication, we will need to put you on a higher dose. Call us on CD 30 if you have not yet received your period and tested negative….”
I know I know I can’t get ahead of myself but it is so hard not to. I wish I had the same nurse and tech as last time. I wish I knew if there was really no progress or just not enough progress.
I go back on Friday for more monitoring and from there my fate of this cycle will be revealed. The only up-side; my boss will be out of town so that is one less excuse I need to make!!
I sent H a text
“:( nothing yet… I go back Friday morning”
To which he responded
“:( Date night?”
I love that he is trying to make me feel better. Part of me wants to stuff my face with food whereas the other wants to take a long run to release the negative energy and calm me down. What to do, what to do….
I will keep you posted as to what the outcome of my Friday appointment is. Until then, bring on the stress headaches!!