A head at war

At the beginning of my journey I found myself playing the game; if I get pregnant this month that would mean I would have the baby this month, I could tell my parents at this event and could tell the world by this date (and by the world I mean my close friends and family). About my third round of Clomid I stopped torturing myself with the game. My confidence was lost and I went into the appointments with the well here goes nothing mentality. I learned to expect nothing as the news was inevitably always bad. Disappointment is far easier to handle when you go in without expectation. My husband and I stopped talking about babies all together, because it was just easier.

Since seeing a specialist and being switched to a new prescription I can’t help but feel that confidence creep back in. Just this morning while commuting to work I found myself doing the math in my head, well if this month then….. I jolted myself back to reality urging my brain not to get ahead of myself. But I fear it is too late for that. It has been on the forefront of my mind since leaving that office and I can’t seem to turn it off.

Last night while going out to eat my husband gave me the option of a brewery/grill or sushi. I let him pick but in my head I was begging for sushi (my thoughts wandered to “this could be one of the last weeks I can have it for almost a year”). We ended up at the brewery/grill where I was promised sushi next week. We openly talked about our future child, how we would handle our parents, family drama, etc. We discuss how large I would be for the wedding I am in next November. The conversation strolls easily from one baby/pregnancy centered topic to the next.

I wouldn’t be surprised if my parents are on to me because I bring up babies whenever I can. I saw this baby here, so and so had a little boy, I heard the cutest name today, blah is hosting a shower for blah. OH MY GOSH I just can’t stop!!

So here we go onto the next step but hopefully not the next heartbreak.

I have one day (tonight) left of progesterone. I am hoping my period will come in the next 2 so I can get in for my preliminary exam over the weekend (saving me an explanation to work for why I have a last minute appointment).

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4 thoughts on “A head at war

  1. Oh—you’re at the math stage! I know the math stage all too well. You know that’s when hope is peeking through and you’re gearing up for success. Good luck. x

  2. anabea1 says:

    Oh I remember those days. I even still have a list of girl and boy names I had picked out to run by the hubby. I think there is possibly a healthy level of hope we should hold onto. I wish I had some suggestions for making sure that hope doesn’t reach the “driving us crazy and taking over our thoughts” level. Wishing you well!!

  3. A friend just announced their pregnancy to me last week and I knew immediately when they conceived and when they were due based on many many weeks along they are. It never fails as much as I try not to look it up, I always do.

  4. jdubbelde13 says:

    Glad to know I am not the only one who does (has done) the math in my head…constantly. Thanks for all the well wishes ladies!

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