Test Anxiety

All through school I was never been a test taker. I have found that no matter how much I want it; no matter how hard I try I always failed. I would study for days, sometimes even weeks before the tests but when I got them in front of me I would go blank, or confuse myself. So why would pregnancy testing be any different?

I have my cycle day 30 tomorrow and already I am anxious to test. If I didn’t have to I don’t think that I would. The unknown is so much easier to deal with than the flat out rejection I suffer each time I test negative.

Why can’t I just get a period like a normal female? I almost feel like that rejection would be so much easier than seeing the big NO scrolled across a screen month after month.

This will be the first month since starting Clomid that I don’t know what to expect and I’m not sure how I feel about it. This was round 4 for me. Round 3 brought not one mature follicle even though I was on the highest dose my OB will prescribe. After getting my pills for round 4 I called my doctor to ask why I was put on the same dose if things didn’t work last time. It was then that she suggested I go see an infertility specialist. So I made an appointment, which I will attend on January 28th after waiting over a month and a half before they could get me in. Having already had the Clomid in my possession I opted to take it. I had the time before I saw the infertility specialist and didn’t want to look back and think what if. But that’s where the smart thinking ends. Because my doctor was so confident things wouldn’t work again, I opted not to go in for the follicle scan(s) that go along with taking the medication.

What I was thinking I don’t know…actually I do, I wasn’t! At this point, I think I have more fears getting a yes, than if I were to see the NO I have come to expect.

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