Dreaming of Baby

Have you ever heard that often times people dream of their babies before they know their pregnant; or before they even get pregnant?

I find the concept absolutely fascinating. I ask everyone if they dreamed of their baby and most have. One girl at work dreamt she had a girl that looked like her husband’s sister (their first was a girl), and another dreamt of baby before realizing she was in fact pregnant at the time of the dream.

The craziest I have heard came from a good family friend who always had detailed dreams of his little ones prior to their birth and even their gender reveal. With his first he had a dream they were having a little boy that would look just like him. Note, he is Irish (pale skin, red fair) and she is half black (black hair, lightly tanned skin). A few weeks later they found out they were in fact having a boy with a few months later revealing that true to his father’s dream that little boy is fair skinned with red hair! With their second he dreamt of a little girl that looked like her mother and again he was right; number two brought a black haired tan baby that looks like her mother. How CRAZY is that!

A few weeks ago my husband woke up excited; he had dreamt of a little boy and last night I did as well! No, I am not pregnant but it gives me hope that someday (hopefully soon) I will be and I could use all the reassurance I can get…Why you ask?

Last week my husband came home and was telling me about a conversation he had with someone he used to work with and went to school with. The gentleman and his wife had just adopted a baby girl. We have known for a few years of their inability to have children but out of respect my husband never pried as to the why. During their conversation the old co-worker shared that his wife and him had been through it all…clomid, IUIs and 4 rounds of IVF all of which failed. My husband asked if she had some sort of “disease” to which he responded yes, she has PCOS (oh great); all of the doctors were shocked that none of the IVF treatments worked. So naturally while he is telling me this I am thinking well shit! At the end of the conversation I looked at my husband and asked “Do you think that was the best thing to tell your PCOS bearing wife who is about to start her first and hopefully only round of IVF?” He responded with “in hindsight no probably not.” Oh dear….those boys….

I am happy to say, after a few days of panic I was brought some relief. While out to lunch with a friend the topic came up. Turns out, she has a friend who also has PCOS. Her husband and her just went through their first round of IVF and are expecting a little girl in the coming months. (Whew so there is hope!)

Praying for all of you PCOS’ers out there and your upcoming or current cycles!
For those who are pregnant; did you dream of baby before, have you during your pregnancies?

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Babies Babies Everywhere…Enough

My head is not in it this week. Physically I am at work, mentally I am elsewhere. I log-in with the anticipation of logging off and though I have plenty to keep me busy I find myself doing anything but what I should be doing. I am hoping this is just because I came off what was the busiest month of the year and that next week I will come in ready to kick butt and take names.

This week has also been full of babies. I sit in what could questionably be the worst spot in the office; directly in front of the door and across from the office administrator. Aside from the obvious, listening to the door slam every second of every day, I am privy to all the juicy office gossip which this week has been exclusively about those expecting or who have recently had a baby.

Yup that is right, about half of my office is pregnant (or their wives are). One girl made the comment; don’t drink that water to which I thought; oh what I wouldn’t give for some of that water, that excitement, that anticipation.  I can’t be upset with people for what they don’t know but their constant talk makes it so hard for me to forget my own infertility woes.

In addition to all the office talk I learned today that another one of my cousins is expecting. She is 32 or so has 3 kids (the oldest being 16 or 17) all with different fathers. She can’t carry a job and has since broken up with this new baby’s daddy. If all that isn’t enough she is talking about abortion. I just can’t wrap my head around it! Between her and her sister (the one who told her dad she was pregnant while drunk) I am just so angry and disgusted. Good thing I never see them and when I do we don’t talk.

ANYWAY

In anticipation of our IVF I have been working to get ready in any way I can. I put on my calendar the exact date I need to call my doctor and request my BC (December 10th) to start the process without physically having to go in for an appointment yet this year. I looked into my companies insurance to see if they will cover more infertility treatments or if I can use them as a back up to get more coverage than I would on my husband’s insurance alone. Sadly right in the disclaimer it shows that it does not cover any such treatments (wha wha). My husband called to find out how much coverage we have left this year (if any) and it turns out I ran out of coverage with three appointments hanging so we owe $1,500 (ugh wasn’t ready for that bomb but we will get through it; it could be worse). We need to get to the bank and set up our new savings Baby savings account.

The last “planning” element I haven’t quite decided to act on yet is the….is there anything we should do before baby?

I love to travel, my husband does not. If we weren’t saving for the baby I would probably ask to spring for a trip abroad (Florence or somewhere in Ireland top my list). But given the situation I just don’t think I can get him to agree. State side I have always wanted to go to California; but again getting him to agree has been a struggle. Between the situation, his resistance and our fall schedule I am just not sure a trip is practical. Already almost all our weekends are full leading up to January.  For now that is the only pre-baby thing I can think of; can you all think of what people do before baby?

P.S. If any of you are going on a solo trip with the hubby I saw on Facebook someone used Flytographer to capture their recent trip to Dublin. You let the company know where you are going and they pair you up with a professional photographer. You get AMAZING photos of the two of you exploring; how neat is that?! I think she paid about $350 they got their photographer for an hour and walked away with about 65 photos.

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The 6 Month Wait….

My goodness it feels like forever since I last wrote…oh wait it has been. For that I apologize; I am not one for excuses so we will just leave it at that.

Part of me wants to apologize for my last post. I feel like I sounded like a winey selfish brat. With that said, what I wrote was raw emotion that I was feeling at that time. I have had time to process, come to terms and move forward. I understand how lucky I am that my body was responding to treatments, that we have only been trying a year in contrast to other couples yearS. I have yet to hear that this won’t work and that I can’t have kids. In reality I have been lucky in my journey compared to so many others.

Two weeks after the news my husband and I went in for a visit with our doctor. The first question out of her mouth was; “well what questions do you have”. Having done some research prior to the appointment I was aware of what we were looking at for money and understood the general idea of what the procedure would entail. In the end I will do and pay whatever as long as I get the chance at having a baby; so in normal me fashion I sat quiet. My husband, with no hesitation, asked “what are we looking at for money.” Ugh, I was so embarrassed; I understand this is a legitimate concern but couldn’t we have worked up to that? Couldn’t he have asked what all the procedure entailed first or how long it will take? Oh well I guess it is what it is.

We discussed what insurance would cover and having already burned through almost all of my allowance for this year it was decided it would be more practical to wait until January for IVF in order to fully utilize our insurance benefits. My doctor thought this was the best plan and made some comment like “it’s not like you are in a rush.” No, I am not technically in a rush. I am young and healthy, my situation is not a now or never BUT would I like to keep going…YUP. My husband and doctor won the battle, we will wait, save money, enjoy the 7 weddings we have left this year and pray the next 6 months fly by (I feel like between Weddings, grooms dinners, showers, back parties and holidays it has to right?)! Am I happy about it…NO…do I understand the importance of waiting….yes.

I worked out the scheduling and hope to start birth control in December. Since I have to be on it for three weeks I am working to time it so I can get in for my baseline at the beginning of January once our insurance allowance is re-stocked.

So there you have it. That is the only update I have because our journey has officially his a financial road block. Oh man what am I going to write about for the next 6 months? 

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Friday the 13th Strikes Again

I wasn’t sure what to title this one…

A Dream Shattered, The Turning of a Chapter, Devastation, Typical Friday the 13th… they all sum up my Friday.

I should have known things weren’t going well when I had to go into the clinic 2 days in a row. I should have known it was worse when my nurse didn’t send me away with a game plan but rather let me know they would be calling. Friday afternoon came with a phone call, not from a nurse but from my doctor (DUN DUN DUNNNNN). This cycle was in fact canceled. With 15 follicles all growing at a rapid pace I am no longer able to continue with this try. As if that news weren’t enough to swallow she followed it up with a bomb. I felt like I was sucker punched in the face from my blind spot when I heard her say “I think it is time to consider IVF.”

Now THAT I didn’t see coming, I thought things were ok, I thought we had a few more phases to go through before we got to this point; the make or break of baby producing.

I held it together the best I could through what was left of work (thank goodness the office was empty). Once I was safely in my car I let a few tears fall and once in the safety of my own home I allowed myself one good ugly cry for as long as I needed, ridding myself of the toxic heart-ache I was feeling. Upon finishing, I picked myself up off the floor (literally), took a shower, packed my bags and headed north where I spent the weekend in my safe place, my heaven on earth. I saw my dad and brother before they left for a fishing trip, I played a ton of cards with my grandma, read a good book and ate whatever the hell I wanted (which included McDonalds, cookies, peanut M&M’s, cinnamon rolls and ice cream). The weekend allowed me to swiftly escape my looming reality.

Once at home I could tell my husband was walking on eggshells around me. I hate that feeling! So I opened up the conversation we would inevitably need to have. I’m not scared for the procedure itself; it is everything that comes with it that is so upsetting to me. This takes away the fun of having a baby, the surprise, the excitement and anticipation. In its place we have to deal with stress and debt, we are forced to have hard conversations about the what-ifs and what’s-next. What I wouldn’t give for my husband to just say; we will do whatever it takes, but that just isn’t my husband’s style.

So much was, and still is, racing through my head at this point. My husband want’s to wait, build up a savings account for the procedure and try when we have the funds. I on the other hand am not patient. I am willing to drain my savings account now if it means we can give it a go tomorrow (I know not very fiscally responsible of me (very out of character actually) but we have already waited a year…I am sick of waiting).

Since a little girl, I have dreamed of raising a family similar to the one I was raised in; young parents and three kids; all within 2 years of one another. This to me is the hardest pill to swallow. 3 kids could mean 3 IVF’s (if all goes well on the first try). Is that practical? Can we afford that? Am I or my husband willing to go through this multiple times? If the answer is no, then do we send in two embryo’s at a time praying I at least get twins off the bat?

And what if….what if it doesn’t take? How many times are we going to try before deciding we need to stop throwing our money in a hole with no end result?

I know so many of those I follow on here have been through this. Any advice you are able to give would be so greatly appreciated at this time! I need you all more than ever.

 

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Shock and Awe

I have no words for what I encountered today. While on a walk with my aunt I learned that my cousin is pregnant. Now before you think, well that’s nice for her, you should know a few things. I haven’t seen her since Easter at least 4 years ago when she showed up with a black eye and her husband a broken knuckle. Her husband spends more time in jail than out and their home life is less than conducive for raising a  child. With all that in mind imagine my surprise when the shock was yet to come. When she informed my uncle of her pregnancy she did so while…….ready for it…..WASTED. Yup she is pregnant with a little helpless nugget and she continues to drown herself with booze. Oh what I wouldn’t give to give her a piece of my mind! Yet another example of someone who shouldn’t be having a child and yet there they are; smoking, drinking and acting as a punching bag to her husband while growing a baby inside her. Sometimes life just isn’t fair!

Already in a fit it didn’t take much to work me up for the second shock while receiving an email from a co-worker.  She started the email with news that her and her husband would be adopting a baby from Uganda. I thought, oh how nice! She explained that they have no preference as to the sex and were anticipating a child 0-3 years of age. Finally I started understanding the point of her email. She is selling homemade fabric bracelets in hopes of raising money to help with the adoption costs. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Now don’t get me wrong I know adoption can get really expensive but there are appropriate and inappropriate platforms for such fundraising; work being on the highly inappropriate side. Can you imagine if I sent out an email to co-workers explaining that I am suffering from infertility; that my next cycle was coming up and the shots are expensive? Maybe it was the pushiness of the email; “bracelets are $10 unless you want to donate more” “You can just leave the cash on my desk” “I have a separate bank account and will take checks as well” or maybe the earlier news tipped me over the edge but I just can’t get over how inappropriate her request was. Save it for church, or have a fundraiser in your neighborhood, look to friends and family and reach out that way…do not bring it to work.

Sorry for the vent but I needed it.

I hope to write a good news post tomorrow. Wish me luck!

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IUI3 Here We Come

My weekend started with not one but two pregnancy announcements at work. One I had suspected for a while where as the other came as a surprise. Rushing into my bosses office (directly across from me) after being out sick for the past two days (morning sickness), one of my team members excitedly explained that, though really early, she was expecting. She went on to talk about how bad of timing this was so on and so forth all the while I am thinking man what I wouldn’t do to be in your shoes.

Saturday called for my first baseline appointment in what felt like months. I woke up that morning feeling hopeful that this month would be a go; only to quickly have my mood soured by PMS and dumb people.

Once checked in the receptionist had me sign a form going over my insurance coverage (not uncommon). The paper states that I am supposed to have $5,000 to spend annually with $20,000 to spend in a lifetime. By looking at the sheet I was already up to $17,000 for my lifetime allowance spent…how did this happen? Am I reading it wrong? I don’t understand. I can’t even begin to think what my husband will do if our insurance drops the coverage leaving us with thousands of dollars above what we are already paying to deal with. They have never told me where I am in my coverage so the news hit like a ton of bricks.

While waiting at the office to go into my appointment, trying to make out what this insurance sheet means, I couldn’t help but notice the lady with a young child in a stroller. She was arguing with the receptionist about appointment times. “No, ma’am that simply does not work for my schedule is there any way you could get me in at X time?” I just wanted to get up and scream; Dear lady, I am happy you have what everyone here wants but what makes you more important? We all shift our schedules around for these appointments I expect that you do the same.

Once in the room I took a deep breath and said a little prayer for a healthy and successful cycle. Soon after finishing my prayer the nurse and tech walked into the room. The poor tech was brand new and the nurse a B. When she asked the nurse if she needed to count out all the follicles present the nurse replied with a rude “YES”. Well 57 follicles later we were on to the next side, when the nurse finally let the tech know she could stop counting at 30 and say 30+ if that was the case (exactly what the tech had asked in the first place).

Through my annoyance I was happy to hear this cycle was a go. My cysts (which I didn’t know were cysts) were gone and all my follicles are itty-bitty. I get to start from scratch having a week and a half to grow nice big juicy follicles.

After leaving the office I drove straight over to the pharmacy. While waiting for my shots a lady stepped into line. When she went to pay she was halted by the $35 charge for one of her prescriptions. She was holding up the line, making a big deal about her whopping $35 charge where again I wanted to go up and say “would you like to pay the $800 I’m about to pay?

Now I know the poor people in this post don’t know about my condition and I don’t blame them for their ignorance but when you are hormonal as all heck it just gets to you.

But again, the good news from this all; we get to try. We get another chance to move forward in our journey; how lucky are we?!

Thursday calls for my CD8 follicle scan. Hoping for a few large ones; but not to many. They have me on 150IU right now. I am defiantly bloated (I can always tell in my feet), hormonal (my poor husband) and  feel there are things going on down there.

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Aunt Flow…That Sneaky B

I was ok with my canceled cycle but when CD28 came and went and Aunt Flow was nowhere in sight the frustration set in. I had to wake up early on a weekend, drive an hour to have a two minute blood test taken. It took another three days for me to get my prescription due to the holiday weekend.  Seven days of pills were followed by two days of waiting and still I had no signs of aunt flow showing (I always have signs). Now 13 days over-due I have been more anxious than ever to get this show on the road. Time is running low. I have another vacation planned for the 21st that will take me 6 hours away from my husband for 4 days.

Finally this morning I saw red! Like the tricky bi**h she is, I had to wait until late morning before she greeted me with her arrival but I couldn’t be more excited! It is amazing the different emotions that come with a period; relief for some, heart break for others and when you are on a canceled cycle like me; exhilaration.

Trying to be sneaky I didn’t call my office today. I thought I would wait until tomorrow in hopes they wouldn’t have any same-day openings allowing for a Saturday appointment (at .

If all goes well at my baseline I have a week and a half for them to get my dose just right, form some juicy follicles and launch myself into a TWW. Here’s to hoping for a IUI#3. With fresh follicles I am going into this cycle with confidence.

 

Mama Update:

My mom has called me three days in a row; never for anything other than just to say hi. The first day she brought up the shots, the second nothing and again on the third she asked if I was on my shots. I finally said “no, I told you that, you need to quit asking. If I want to share I will bring it up.” No, not how I wanted the conversation to go but I was just so annoyed by her asking just two days after I told her I didn’t even have my period yet. Today there was no call and I doubt she will call tomorrow either. Only time will tell if she can hold herself back from asking again but here is to hoping.

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The Confession

I can’t even believe I finally have the time to write! Work has been sheer chaos; but this week things are looking up. My head is above water and the air is fine!!

So here is an update:

While in New York my brother slipped; big time. Going into his OBGYN rotation with his girlfriend just coming out of it they are both interested as to the testing I have had done and where I am at in my infertility journey. My brother made a comment about my HSG test right in front of my mom. Immediately she asked what we were talking about. I tried to cover it with oh just a routine test I had to get done for my PCOS; but my mother knows me well and was not fooled in the least.

Once alone in the room she asked; in that….you don’t have to tell me, but tell me…motherly way. So I opened up. I told her I had lied when I told her we were giving things a break. I walked her through each failed attempt (4 Clomid, 1 Femara, 2 IUI), describing each treatment and ending where I am now (a canceled cycle; awaiting IUI #3). She said she knew something had to be going on, but (as suspected) my father urged her not to ask. She didn’t compare herself to me, nor did she ask why I had lied. To my surprise she was genuinely supportive and heart-broken for me. She asked if she could tell my father (wow she actually asked permission) where I let her know that would be fine (my poor dad cried when she shared the news).

It felt so good to have my mother in on our secret; but already, I am finding that with time the bricks are starting to stack again.

I know she means well but the constant questioning of “are you on your shots yet” is getting to be too much. We skipped a weekend up north for various reasons, none of which had to do with treatments, and she instantly wanted to tell my grandma we were sticking around home because of my infertility treatments.

Last night when asking if I had started my shots yet I informed her that I had yet to get my period (I just finished my last Provera last night). She responded with an oh so comforting (insert sarcasm) “you haven’t had your period yet? That can’t be good.”

I know the dreaded boundary talk has to happen but I was hoping I could get away with not having to give one! Is it so hard to know that I will come to you if I need you; that this is a matter not for you to share; or that I genuinely want you to be surprised when things do work out?

I will wait until she asks again and at that time will have a talk with her. Let’s hope she doesn’t get upset, understands where I am coming from and actually listens.

Have any of you ever had to deal with a mother (or someone else) like this?

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A Late Post

I apologize for my late post. I wrote the following last Friday but forgot my password while at work and then haven’t had internet until tonight so you get it now.

 

What does your typical Friday 7am Target run look like? Mine, oh just some Starbucks, a water, an apple and a pregnancy test….no big deal.

I went into the canceled cycle knowing pregnancy was possible; not likely but possible. To be honest, I would be utterly on the floor shocked if I was. Going in I thought we would give it a good try, I have left over ovulation predictor kits so why not. Well it turns out we just haven’t had the time to even humor the thought of tracking, trying and hoping for the best. My trip, coupled with his test, a bladder infection on my part and our busy work schedules has called for one mess of a month; no doubt a bust from beginning to end.

CD 28 is tomorrow and I have not one sign of AF showing her lovely appearance. Spotting, nope, cramps, nope, bloating….well that I am used to so I can’t really tell at this time but if so it is moderate.

So here is what I don’t understand. This cycle was canceled due to my residual follicles; meaning I had follicles that would put out eggs, the eggs would most likely not be viable for fertilization. Why is AF nowhere to be found? Am I really not able to ovulate without the help of medication from beginning to end? Dear body, when are you going to start cooperating and function like the normal human being you claim to be?!?! Already having the fear that this would happen I talked to the nurse at my clinic during my last baseline and they will prescribe progesterone if AF doesn’t show up by tomorrow… pending my pregnancy test.

So lucky me gets to take another test knowing that “Not Pregnant” will inevitably appear on my screen. But maybe….just maybe…..

ANYWAY

Last weekend we spent the night down at a friend’s house. My husband was sharing his comical experiences with the clinic and talking about his “super sperm” around the bonfire…because you know that is typical bonfire talk and all. I quickly ran off to go to the bathroom and I guess while I was gone they all started scolding him for talking about it, convinced that I was upset he was sharing all of this information. A while later he asked if I was upset and told me about his scolding. I love our friends for understanding it is a private matter but I honestly don’t care. Those individuals who do not know about our journey don’t for one of two reasons; (1) how do you bring that up in a conversation (2) we don’t want to hear their analysis of the situation, their opinions, or the comparison of our situation to their own that is in no way the same. Most of our close friends know at this point and we are pretty open about it, if they ask.

The main people who brought up the topic were the couple I talked about around the New Year. They too are trying and having difficulty due to her erratic cycles. There have been no doctor’s appointments or outright treatment plans just yet but I am sure that will come up soon if they don’t see success. Once they knew I was ok talking about what was happening the questions started flowing. I let them know we are there if they need to talk or have any questions.

Earlier this week, while catching dinner with my best friend who knows everything, I was sharing the story of the weekend. Then we were talking about the ordering of my bridesmaid dress and how the bride doesn’t know we are trying (put her under the don’t ask don’t tell category). We started laughing about the fact that infertility isn’t a topic that is easily brought up in a conversation. We then started coming up with opening lines I could use.

“Hi, what’s new with you”

“Well I am infertile and have residual follicles this month; how about yourself?”

Oh my goodness we were just dying!! I am sure the people around us were wondering what the hell we were talking about! As much as all this sucks sometimes you just have to take it for what it is and laugh about it; because what else is there to do.

 

UPDATE:

Pregnancy test was negative. My doctor made me go into the office anyway to get a blood test before I could get my Provera. I wouldn’t mind if I was close but to wake up at 6:45 am on Memorial day to drive an hour just to have my blood drawn is a little irritating. The nurse called to verify again (as if the NOT PREGNANT screaming at me from my test wasn’t proof enough) that I was in fact not pregnant. So Provera begins tonight. To be honest it was for the best. I have to spend the weekend with my in-laws and now won’t have to try to hide my shots which I know would prove impossible with my nosy MIL (they fall under the second category). 

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UPDATE

Oh goodness it feels like it has been forever.

My month off is almost over but I have been enjoying what I can of it. Yes, sushi was had and New York brought many drinks! It’s amazing, babies surrounded me this month and yet I didn’t feel as affected by them as I normally would. I have just been focused on enjoying the time off.

Prior to leaving for NYC I got my HSG test out of the way. It was….interesting (don’t worry I won’t get into the nitty gritty of it all since most of you have been through it). The good thing; I received my results on the spot AND (drum roll please)…………I am A OK. My uterus/tubes (or whatever they look at) are perfectly clear. The dye went in and was quickly spilling out the ends. WHEW what a relief.

My husband’s test was a little more comical than mine. Though I am sure he enjoyed my hospital sock selfies his text far outshined mine. He went into the office early on a Monday morning. I received a picture message shortly after arriving at work. A brown leather chair with the wording “no thanks I’ll stand” had me bursting out in laughter. A while later I received confirmation the deposit was made. That evening we were discussing his morning activities (not in fine detail) where he notified me I could have brought him home a cup; Haha OOPs! Why didn’t anyone tell me that? For everything I have gone through I didn’t feel too bad about my oversight; I think it was time for him to get a little uncomfortable AND don’t you have to keep it warm? I live about an hour away from my doctor so if that is the case, again this would not have been plausible.

I left for New York without his results; instead getting a call while walking in the middle of a busy street. I don’t know his numbers but I do know he is considered “average” and perfectly fine. If you ask him he will tell you he is above average housing super sperm but I will go with what the doctor says.

It’s a relief knowing our issues lie solely in my PCOS. We are looking forward to the next month having ruled out what could have called for a stressful journey.

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