A Cry for Help?

Facebook has been blowing up with announcements lately. From we’re expecting and ultrasound photos to meet baby x born (you get the point)… there has been no shortage of excitement on my feed. One girl’s cryptic posts in particular have been catching my eye.

So a little back story to begin…me and this girl have never been the best of friends. Quite frankly in the elementary, Jr. high and high school days where drama ruled there were times when we down right hated one another. I was less than nice to her and feel bad for my actions today. Since school we have grown up and matured (thank goodness for that) and no, not the best friends but we can say hello, ask how one another is doing and genuinely be interested the response.

A few months ago she shared a blog from a local photographer that talked about the hurt of not being able to have children and yet having to photograph them and their families. I didn’t think too much about it at the time. A few weeks ago she shared another blog on the topic of how painful the “when are you going to have a baby” question can be. This one got me thinking; is something going on with her? I read through the comments and in one breathe she states how rude the question is and how angry she gets when she has to field it and in another she talks about the “pain” she feels when she gets the question in the first place. All things considered I would have to believe something is going on.

Her most recent share was on a blog post discussion how a woman felt her miscarriage was her own fault.

So badly I would love to reach out, ask her what is going on, let her know my husband and I are struggling too and let her know I am here to talk if she needs to vent things out. That being said, I don’t feel I am close enough to her to do that. I don’t want her thinking that I am being nosey or that I am coming from a bad place. And what if I am wrong, what if it isn’t her who is going through the struggle but someone she is close to?

For now I won’t say anything. For now I will keep my mouth shut and hope she is ok, hope she has found people to confide in and a community to help her. If she openly admits there is in fact a struggle, I will reach out. But for now, I will just pray for them, because no one deserves the hurt that comes with IF.

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Confession: I Feel Ashamed

I feel ashamed. Birth announcements have been rolling in (though nothing new) and I have found myself asking the forbidden question, why them and not us. A question I try not to ask because let’s be honest what’s the point.

Most recently my husband came home with news he had received an email from a close friend. Him and his wife were expecting. This is the same couple I wrote about shortly after the new year,  who revealed that they too had been trying and feared their fate matched ours. Well, luck (or whatever it is) was on their side and they are weeks away from finding out what they are having, no doctors, medications, shorts or invasive treatments.

And here is where the shame lies……

I have no doubt they will be the most amazing parents, and no doubt in my mind are they deserving of such a gift….but…. I couldn’t help but feel a little upset. More than anything it was nice not feeling alone in this journey. It was nice having someone to talk to, who actually understands the emotions and frustrations we feel. I confessed these feelings to my husband and he too admitted he was a little down when he heard. Don’t get me wrong, we are so happy for them, sadly right now we are just having a hard time feeling excited. With our IVF starting in just a few short months I think the pressure and stress is starting to set in. Recently our baby talk has become more frequent and serious. Oh how I pray things would out.

I know soon enough it will be my time I only wish it was now.

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Hitting Puberty at 26 (and a half)

A Christmas (half) miracle has come early, sometime late last week I hit puberty (well kind of)! That’s right, this period free PCOSer, for the first time in her life, generated a medication free period (ok well heavy spotting)!! Can you believe it? I know I can’t!

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Part of me is excited. I am not sure what happened but maybe, just maybe, my body is starting to change and act like a normal women’s body should. At the same time, my lack of a period has been so nice in terms of timing my treatments. I have never had to wait for my period before starting a prescription, nor has she suddenly appeared postponing a cycle. So as much as I am excited to have become a women, unless a pregnancy transpires, I would rather this be a fluke.

Following my last failed IUI (June) we have been put in a holding pattern waiting for our upcoming IVF cycle. Because we were waiting 6 months I was instructed to call my doctor every 2 months or so to get a period inducing prescription, helping to ensure I maintain “health” down there. So I wouldn’t forget I set a calendar reminder for September 8th where I had planned to call my doctor but on the 6th I was greeted with a underwear surprise. I couldn’t believe my eyes at first but there it was. In shock and unsure of what to do I called my brother (in med school, just had his OBGYN clinical rotation) and told him what was going on. He just told me to call my doctor….thanks for nothing brother.

So I took a pregnancy test (to confirm what I already knew) and as if to mock me that test showed me the fastest negative to date. Later that morning, with the knowledge I wasn’t pregnant, I called my doctor’s office to talk through what was going on and what (if anything) is next.

Already in a pretty sour mood from the mocking test I quickly became more agitated at the nurse who I got the “pleasure” of talking with. During the call I was told “I just don’t know what you are wanting to do”… isn’t that why I called, to get your professional advice? I was also scolded for them not knowing my intentions to begin IVF sometime in December. I had intended to give them a call sometime late October / early November to get everything figured out. When I asked my doctor about the timing and when I should confirm what we wanted to do she pretty much said, oh just a few weeks before hand is sufficient so that is what I had planned for.

The call went in a vicious circle of the nurse failing to listen causing me more frustration than necessary. She ended up consulting my doctor about everything and calling me back. So orders are officially in for my IVF cycle. They will be calling me “later” with my anticipated timing of treatments where in the meantime I will maintain a period (but not spot) free lifestyle. Come December 1 I will be going into the doctor’s office for a blood test and then we are off on our IVF journey.

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Another Year Come and Gone

A few weeks ago was my husband’s birthday. While shopping for his card at Target I found a card to give him from the dog. (If I haven’t shared my husband has a black lab for a side kick. He is the biggest baby in the world and my husband adores him more than life). Anyway, I wrote on the outside of the card “Papa” because that is what we always refer to him as when we are talking with the dog. Oh I wish you could have seen his face when he saw the card. It broke my heart knowing for a fleeting moment he thought this was my way of telling him I was pregnant when in fact it was just a dumb card “from a dog.”

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I have found my heart to be a little achier the past few weeks. Our anniversary is coming up and every year I write my husband a note recapping our wedding night, talking about my favorite memories of the year, a lesson learned and ending with my hope for the future. In working through my letter I remember last year when I was hoping to have a baby or be well on my way to having one by this time. The realization that another year has come and gone has been weighing on my mind lately.

I am sad it has been so hard for us but grateful it hasn’t been worse. I’m hopeful that this time next year I will be rocking a bump of some size. The funny part, all this has got me thinking about how far we have come in a year. This time last year we were just starting our second round of Clomid. Babies were not a topic of conversation my husband wished to participate in as he still had the mentality of “I will never be ready until I have him/her in my arms.” This year however, it is a daily topic. My husband falls asleep throwing out baby names, and frequently talks about our future child(ren) and what they will be like. Maybe our wait has been a blessing in disguise. Maybe the world needed him to be completely ready before I could bear his child. I guess the only one who can answer that is the big guy above. Either way I am as thankful as I can be for the hand I have been dealt. (For those feeling like your husband just doesn’t get it…hand in there! He will come around.)

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I’m Back!

After a month long hiatus I have decided it is time to come back! I don’t really have an excuse for my lack of posts other than life. Life has been busy; we attended two weddings in the last month in addition to a bridal shower and busy work weeks. IVF and babies have remained on the forefront of my mind but with treatments at a standstill I haven’t had much to talk about from day to day.

I can’t believe we have reached a full year “trying” with assistance. It was mid-August last year that I took my first round of Clomid with stars in my eyes and all the hope in the world. I would not have imagined that a year from then I would be in a holding pattern, waiting for my first (and hopefully only) round of IVF.

We are still waiting until December to start BC. It is our hope that my first appointment will come within the first few days of January and then we will be off on the IVF train. Why the wait? Our insurance only covers $5,000 of infertility treatment in a year and we have used all of our money for 2014. With the coverage we want to be sure we use it for everything it is worth. No, being practical isn’t my favorite decision but it is the smarter one. So far the months have flown and with more weddings and holidays I have no doubt December/January will be here before we know it.

For those who have just gone through your first rounds of IVF; thank you for recapping them with so much detail. I have many questions and through your posts (which I have been reading) you are helping to clear up so many of those.

So here we are September. We are 3 months out and gearing up for my favorite season… FALL! The air turned a cool crisp over the past week and I can’t explain my excitement for sweaters, boots, pumpkin flavored everything oh and don’t worry I have already stocked up on my Bath and Body Works fall candles and wall flowers (enough to last me a year). For the first time in a while I am feeling (halfway) content and happy.

 

Too fitting not to share:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/laraparker/things-all-basic-white-girls-do-during-the-fall?bffb

 

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When it rains it…Hails?

Oh My; I am so sorry I have been MIA. I have tried to post the following multiple times but for whatever reason the page freezes before I can post. So here you are….

Every time I bring up starting our baby savings account something will happen costing us large sums of money.

It all started last week when we got an “over-due” statement from my doctor’s office for $1,500. I have always been fiscally responsible; I don’t put anything on my credit-card I can’t pay off completely that same month. The thought of an over-due or over-draft is enough to make my stomach churn. Now I understand medical bills are complex things. We get a bill; wait for our insurance company to send us a form to verify the payments match up and pay from there. I let my husband deal with it because if it were up to me I would just give them all the money they ask for to avoid seeing any such “over-due” statements (I know not smart).

A few days later my husband received an email regarding the wedding he is best man in. Now let me start by saying I am all about bending over backwards to make the bride and grooms day everything they dream of; with that said, first, bad timing and second, I wish they would take into consideration the amount of money they are asking from a single person or couple. My husband has to buy a suite from a local wedding shop. The suite includes the pants and jacket ($160), alterations, white shirts and shoes are separate and at an additional cost. Had they chosen a shop that specializes in suites alterations would have been free with a suite the same price. The up side, black isn’t a suite color my husband owns, the down, he owns the closest color to black (Charcoal gray) and has no need for another suite. As a service technician suites are only worn during weddings and funerals. In addition to his wedding day outfit my husband is hosting a bachelor weekend at a cabin, I have been invited to her shower and her bachelorette. This wedding alone will undoubtable be costing us close to (if not more than) $1,000 by the time you add everything up and let us not forget I too am in a wedding with equally ridiculous money demands.

Over the past weekend we spent a (for the most part) relaxing few days “up north” at my family’s lake place. While waking up from an afternoon cat-nap (while my husband was out fishing) I noticed the weather had turned from sunny blue skies to overcast. My grandma walked into the room with word of a severe thunderstorm. Knowing my husband’s 2013 truck was sitting out I asked if they had expected hail. I no sooner asked and the sky opened up as if mocking my question. I don’t think I have ever been stuck in a hail storm that long. I felt so helpless. Had I been given time to prepare I could have arranged cars to get his into a garage, or at the least shielded it under more tree coverage or added blankets over the hood. But instead we are forced to deal with our auto insurance company regarding the hail damage incurred. Adding salt to the wound my brother and his wife, with shitty grins on their faces just said “that sucks;” they took the garage for their car because they are “embarrassed” by their whisky plates. I just wanted to say you don’t understand, we have medical bills to pay, we are trying to save for a baby and we are forking out thousands to make others dream wedding days come true.

As the saying goes….”when it rains it pours.” I am only hoping that the “everything comes in threes” stands true and our bad luck will turn. The tension in our house over money is tight and I would do just about anything for a little relief…. and control.

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Dreaming of Baby

Have you ever heard that often times people dream of their babies before they know their pregnant; or before they even get pregnant?

I find the concept absolutely fascinating. I ask everyone if they dreamed of their baby and most have. One girl at work dreamt she had a girl that looked like her husband’s sister (their first was a girl), and another dreamt of baby before realizing she was in fact pregnant at the time of the dream.

The craziest I have heard came from a good family friend who always had detailed dreams of his little ones prior to their birth and even their gender reveal. With his first he had a dream they were having a little boy that would look just like him. Note, he is Irish (pale skin, red fair) and she is half black (black hair, lightly tanned skin). A few weeks later they found out they were in fact having a boy with a few months later revealing that true to his father’s dream that little boy is fair skinned with red hair! With their second he dreamt of a little girl that looked like her mother and again he was right; number two brought a black haired tan baby that looks like her mother. How CRAZY is that!

A few weeks ago my husband woke up excited; he had dreamt of a little boy and last night I did as well! No, I am not pregnant but it gives me hope that someday (hopefully soon) I will be and I could use all the reassurance I can get…Why you ask?

Last week my husband came home and was telling me about a conversation he had with someone he used to work with and went to school with. The gentleman and his wife had just adopted a baby girl. We have known for a few years of their inability to have children but out of respect my husband never pried as to the why. During their conversation the old co-worker shared that his wife and him had been through it all…clomid, IUIs and 4 rounds of IVF all of which failed. My husband asked if she had some sort of “disease” to which he responded yes, she has PCOS (oh great); all of the doctors were shocked that none of the IVF treatments worked. So naturally while he is telling me this I am thinking well shit! At the end of the conversation I looked at my husband and asked “Do you think that was the best thing to tell your PCOS bearing wife who is about to start her first and hopefully only round of IVF?” He responded with “in hindsight no probably not.” Oh dear….those boys….

I am happy to say, after a few days of panic I was brought some relief. While out to lunch with a friend the topic came up. Turns out, she has a friend who also has PCOS. Her husband and her just went through their first round of IVF and are expecting a little girl in the coming months. (Whew so there is hope!)

Praying for all of you PCOS’ers out there and your upcoming or current cycles!
For those who are pregnant; did you dream of baby before, have you during your pregnancies?

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Babies Babies Everywhere…Enough

My head is not in it this week. Physically I am at work, mentally I am elsewhere. I log-in with the anticipation of logging off and though I have plenty to keep me busy I find myself doing anything but what I should be doing. I am hoping this is just because I came off what was the busiest month of the year and that next week I will come in ready to kick butt and take names.

This week has also been full of babies. I sit in what could questionably be the worst spot in the office; directly in front of the door and across from the office administrator. Aside from the obvious, listening to the door slam every second of every day, I am privy to all the juicy office gossip which this week has been exclusively about those expecting or who have recently had a baby.

Yup that is right, about half of my office is pregnant (or their wives are). One girl made the comment; don’t drink that water to which I thought; oh what I wouldn’t give for some of that water, that excitement, that anticipation.  I can’t be upset with people for what they don’t know but their constant talk makes it so hard for me to forget my own infertility woes.

In addition to all the office talk I learned today that another one of my cousins is expecting. She is 32 or so has 3 kids (the oldest being 16 or 17) all with different fathers. She can’t carry a job and has since broken up with this new baby’s daddy. If all that isn’t enough she is talking about abortion. I just can’t wrap my head around it! Between her and her sister (the one who told her dad she was pregnant while drunk) I am just so angry and disgusted. Good thing I never see them and when I do we don’t talk.

ANYWAY

In anticipation of our IVF I have been working to get ready in any way I can. I put on my calendar the exact date I need to call my doctor and request my BC (December 10th) to start the process without physically having to go in for an appointment yet this year. I looked into my companies insurance to see if they will cover more infertility treatments or if I can use them as a back up to get more coverage than I would on my husband’s insurance alone. Sadly right in the disclaimer it shows that it does not cover any such treatments (wha wha). My husband called to find out how much coverage we have left this year (if any) and it turns out I ran out of coverage with three appointments hanging so we owe $1,500 (ugh wasn’t ready for that bomb but we will get through it; it could be worse). We need to get to the bank and set up our new savings Baby savings account.

The last “planning” element I haven’t quite decided to act on yet is the….is there anything we should do before baby?

I love to travel, my husband does not. If we weren’t saving for the baby I would probably ask to spring for a trip abroad (Florence or somewhere in Ireland top my list). But given the situation I just don’t think I can get him to agree. State side I have always wanted to go to California; but again getting him to agree has been a struggle. Between the situation, his resistance and our fall schedule I am just not sure a trip is practical. Already almost all our weekends are full leading up to January.  For now that is the only pre-baby thing I can think of; can you all think of what people do before baby?

P.S. If any of you are going on a solo trip with the hubby I saw on Facebook someone used Flytographer to capture their recent trip to Dublin. You let the company know where you are going and they pair you up with a professional photographer. You get AMAZING photos of the two of you exploring; how neat is that?! I think she paid about $350 they got their photographer for an hour and walked away with about 65 photos.

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The 6 Month Wait….

My goodness it feels like forever since I last wrote…oh wait it has been. For that I apologize; I am not one for excuses so we will just leave it at that.

Part of me wants to apologize for my last post. I feel like I sounded like a winey selfish brat. With that said, what I wrote was raw emotion that I was feeling at that time. I have had time to process, come to terms and move forward. I understand how lucky I am that my body was responding to treatments, that we have only been trying a year in contrast to other couples yearS. I have yet to hear that this won’t work and that I can’t have kids. In reality I have been lucky in my journey compared to so many others.

Two weeks after the news my husband and I went in for a visit with our doctor. The first question out of her mouth was; “well what questions do you have”. Having done some research prior to the appointment I was aware of what we were looking at for money and understood the general idea of what the procedure would entail. In the end I will do and pay whatever as long as I get the chance at having a baby; so in normal me fashion I sat quiet. My husband, with no hesitation, asked “what are we looking at for money.” Ugh, I was so embarrassed; I understand this is a legitimate concern but couldn’t we have worked up to that? Couldn’t he have asked what all the procedure entailed first or how long it will take? Oh well I guess it is what it is.

We discussed what insurance would cover and having already burned through almost all of my allowance for this year it was decided it would be more practical to wait until January for IVF in order to fully utilize our insurance benefits. My doctor thought this was the best plan and made some comment like “it’s not like you are in a rush.” No, I am not technically in a rush. I am young and healthy, my situation is not a now or never BUT would I like to keep going…YUP. My husband and doctor won the battle, we will wait, save money, enjoy the 7 weddings we have left this year and pray the next 6 months fly by (I feel like between Weddings, grooms dinners, showers, back parties and holidays it has to right?)! Am I happy about it…NO…do I understand the importance of waiting….yes.

I worked out the scheduling and hope to start birth control in December. Since I have to be on it for three weeks I am working to time it so I can get in for my baseline at the beginning of January once our insurance allowance is re-stocked.

So there you have it. That is the only update I have because our journey has officially his a financial road block. Oh man what am I going to write about for the next 6 months? 

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Friday the 13th Strikes Again

I wasn’t sure what to title this one…

A Dream Shattered, The Turning of a Chapter, Devastation, Typical Friday the 13th… they all sum up my Friday.

I should have known things weren’t going well when I had to go into the clinic 2 days in a row. I should have known it was worse when my nurse didn’t send me away with a game plan but rather let me know they would be calling. Friday afternoon came with a phone call, not from a nurse but from my doctor (DUN DUN DUNNNNN). This cycle was in fact canceled. With 15 follicles all growing at a rapid pace I am no longer able to continue with this try. As if that news weren’t enough to swallow she followed it up with a bomb. I felt like I was sucker punched in the face from my blind spot when I heard her say “I think it is time to consider IVF.”

Now THAT I didn’t see coming, I thought things were ok, I thought we had a few more phases to go through before we got to this point; the make or break of baby producing.

I held it together the best I could through what was left of work (thank goodness the office was empty). Once I was safely in my car I let a few tears fall and once in the safety of my own home I allowed myself one good ugly cry for as long as I needed, ridding myself of the toxic heart-ache I was feeling. Upon finishing, I picked myself up off the floor (literally), took a shower, packed my bags and headed north where I spent the weekend in my safe place, my heaven on earth. I saw my dad and brother before they left for a fishing trip, I played a ton of cards with my grandma, read a good book and ate whatever the hell I wanted (which included McDonalds, cookies, peanut M&M’s, cinnamon rolls and ice cream). The weekend allowed me to swiftly escape my looming reality.

Once at home I could tell my husband was walking on eggshells around me. I hate that feeling! So I opened up the conversation we would inevitably need to have. I’m not scared for the procedure itself; it is everything that comes with it that is so upsetting to me. This takes away the fun of having a baby, the surprise, the excitement and anticipation. In its place we have to deal with stress and debt, we are forced to have hard conversations about the what-ifs and what’s-next. What I wouldn’t give for my husband to just say; we will do whatever it takes, but that just isn’t my husband’s style.

So much was, and still is, racing through my head at this point. My husband want’s to wait, build up a savings account for the procedure and try when we have the funds. I on the other hand am not patient. I am willing to drain my savings account now if it means we can give it a go tomorrow (I know not very fiscally responsible of me (very out of character actually) but we have already waited a year…I am sick of waiting).

Since a little girl, I have dreamed of raising a family similar to the one I was raised in; young parents and three kids; all within 2 years of one another. This to me is the hardest pill to swallow. 3 kids could mean 3 IVF’s (if all goes well on the first try). Is that practical? Can we afford that? Am I or my husband willing to go through this multiple times? If the answer is no, then do we send in two embryo’s at a time praying I at least get twins off the bat?

And what if….what if it doesn’t take? How many times are we going to try before deciding we need to stop throwing our money in a hole with no end result?

I know so many of those I follow on here have been through this. Any advice you are able to give would be so greatly appreciated at this time! I need you all more than ever.

 

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