Reaching Out

The girl from high school I posted about a few weeks ago (A Cry For Help) has confirmed, via FB, she is in fact someone who suffers from multiple losses; 2 in the last 6 months to be exact. Ugh my heart breaks for her and her husband. I did reach out and let her know how brave I believe her to be. I let her know I am there if she needs to vent. She received the message well and wrote me a nice little note in return. Since then we have been messaging back and forth.

She starts Clomid soon and has been asking me if I am nervous for the shots that come with IVF. Differences aside, I truly hope Clomid works for them or at the very least, that they don’t reach the IVF stage we are at.

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Catholic Babies

Last night was wedding 5 of 8 for us (Whew we are almost there).

Of all the weddings we have been to this year, this one was a little more bothersome to me than the others. Why; a full Catholic mass that’s why. Now let me start by saying, I myself am a Catholic and have been to many Catholic weddings before. Maybe things weren’t so relevant at those, or maybe I never caught on but the number of times they talked about having a baby, making a baby, raising a child was ridiculous. They make you feel like god will strike you dead for not having a child. But what about those of us who want nothing more in this life than to be parents and aren’t granted that gift and aren’t given the choice? More than anything it highlighted our struggle yet again.

Aside from that I guess the wedding went ok. This was a wedding for my husband’s side of the family. They are all pretty open about their disapproval of me but for once their own family drama seemed to out-weigh their distaste for me (thank goodness!!). What was a stressful wedding for my husband was great people watching and conversation observing for me.

The next wedding is three weeks away and I am happy to say no family will be present. THANK GOODNESS! I am so ready for a fun wedding where we get to enjoy a fun evening with friends.

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Reliving My Youth

What a beautiful weekend! The weather where I am at was just perfect at around 60 degrees. The leaves are showing the most beautiful shades of red, orange and yellow. With fall brings hunting season meaning my mother and I are often left home alone. So this year my mother and I decided to re-live my younger days.

Being a Daddy’s girl to the extreme I used to cry every-time he would pack his stuff to leave for weekend hunting trips. To ease my heartbreak he would offer up his checkbook and tell my 3 year old self to take my mom out for a nice dinner and some shopping. Our days would consist of craft fairs, a homemade caramel from somewhere, dinner (usually at Red Lobster or Olive Garden), a movie at home with turtle cheesecake for dessert. Over the years my tears became a little less genuine as I grew to love this time of the year and the quality time I got to spend with my mom.

Once I left for college the tradition ended as I wasn’t home to participate (I didn’t have a car until my senior year of college to get home). This year we decided to pick it back up, because why not…. So yesterday I woke up and headed to my parents house. On my way down I picked up cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory. We went for lunch where I had a salad (knowing cheesecake was to come later). We spent the day shopping. When we went home we had pizza, some beverages, watched two movies and indulged in our cheesecake. It was a great day and one I hope to relive again next year!

This morning I stopped at Starbucks for some yogurt and an Oprah Chi and now here I am at home having a relaxing Sunday with the hubby, all my shopping purchases safely tucked away out of my husbands sight.

Ahhh what a perfect weekend! I hope you all had a great one too!

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Feeling Confident In My Decision

Hello! In my last post I was seeking clarity and I am happy to say clarity has been found. My husband called insurance. Following his conversation I called my doctor and asked my question (when do we pay; if we start when we had anticipated when would they suspect a retrieval and transfer; and would I be able to go on my business trip). With the answers I needed my husband and I had a honest conversation over dinner. We talked about my job, we talked about the possibility of having a baby in the heart of his favorite hunting season, we talked about money and in the end our decision felt right; more right than I ever thought possible.

We are going to wait. In reality the time will fly. We have 2 weddings in December, with the addition of Christmas I doubt we will really even notice the wait. In addition to our busy December schedule we thought about the money we will be spending between the weddings and gifts for our family members and to be honest we could use the extra month to save. In terms of insurance, it doesn’t renew until January anyway. By waiting we are ensuring absolutely everything we can get covered will be. My husband (as a shock to me) was totally ok with missing not one hunting weekend (hopefully due to us having a baby) but (fingers, toes, legs and arms crossed) a lifetime of them to celebrate a little one’s birthday. Last and least important, I can go on my work trip. I won’t have the stress of traveling with needles and I won’t have the stress of maybe having a retrieval or transfer over the days I should be gone. By waiting I am hoping to eliminate some stress from an already stressful situation.

It feels good to have my decision made and to be at peace with it. Now hopefully I can regain my mind because lately if my head weren’t attached I would lose it! Example: This weekend I went “up north” with a friend. I was making my grandma cookies and completely messed up a recipe I have made multiple times, I overslept on Friday, forgot my wallet at work Friday night so was without money or my ID all weekend. While making the drive up I missed a turn driving us miles in the wrong direction (the scary part was I didn’t even remember going through the town before where my grandma lives…the conversation must have been good). But seriously, SCARY how spacey I have been!

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Praying for IVF Clarity

I wish I had something to update you all on but I really don’t. I have been thinking a ton about baby but that is nothing new. My mind goes from names, to wondering what traits they will inherit from what parent and then back to the how the heck are we going to afford this all within the same breathe.

I have been putting off telling my boss about our upcoming IVF until closer to our cycle and things are getting complicated. I have a business trip on January 21st. It’s only 2 days but will require a flight out of town. Normally I wouldn’t think anything of it but this meeting is the only time of year all the marketers at my Firm get together and discuss office happenings. It is a great meeting and very informative BUT and that is a big but, we had planned to start IVF in January. I could have just finished a transfer days before leaving, my transfer date could land on my meeting date or even after. Selfishly I don’t want to postpone our cycle, but I also don’t want to miss the meeting. I had planned to call the doctor about timing in a few weeks, talk to my boss once I have a better idea as to all the details and then purchase my plane ticket sometime in December. Yesterday that plan fell apart when  another marketing person in my office sent me her flight information so I could book the same flight as her and a few others. NO, not yet….too soon!! So here I am, writing down my questions, gearing up to call the doctor and praying for some light and clarity. Why can’t things just happen the way I want them to?

On another note, fall is here! My favorite time of year! I am going “up north” this weekend where I hope the leaves paint the shoreline in beautiful shades of reds, yellows and orange. While there I hope to relax and find my inner peace that has been missing for what feels like months.

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Bad Dreams

I had a bad dream the other night…a nightmare to some. When I woke up I couldn’t quite remember what the dream was about but did know it had something to do with our IF and IVF. When my husband came home from a bachelor party, he started talking about the not one but two pregnant couples (one was news to me the other I just wrote about) in our group of friends and it hit me…. I dreamed that I had 2 failed IVF cycles. In the dream I remember making the comment to my husband, we should have paid for that baby assurance plan. Oh how I hope this doesn’t come true. That being said, I have also dreamed more than once of a baby boy and that hasn’t become so, they are just dreams right……

So in case you are like what assurance plan – my office has a program where you pay a set price. This set price guarantees you a baby within three tries or you get all of your money back. Sounds great right? Well here is the thing, you are paying more than you would for two IVF treatments but less than you would for three full treatments. If you get pregnant the first try or even the second you don’t get the extra money back, nor are you allowed to push it into a future child if you so choose, instead that money is just lost. We looked at the stats and with most patients getting pregnant within their first two IVF cycles we opted out of the plan. My doctors have never expressed concerns that I will get pregnant, more than anything it has just been finding the right treatments.

Can you tell I am starting to get freaked out about my upcoming IVF? T-2months before the process begins.

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A Cry for Help?

Facebook has been blowing up with announcements lately. From we’re expecting and ultrasound photos to meet baby x born (you get the point)… there has been no shortage of excitement on my feed. One girl’s cryptic posts in particular have been catching my eye.

So a little back story to begin…me and this girl have never been the best of friends. Quite frankly in the elementary, Jr. high and high school days where drama ruled there were times when we down right hated one another. I was less than nice to her and feel bad for my actions today. Since school we have grown up and matured (thank goodness for that) and no, not the best friends but we can say hello, ask how one another is doing and genuinely be interested the response.

A few months ago she shared a blog from a local photographer that talked about the hurt of not being able to have children and yet having to photograph them and their families. I didn’t think too much about it at the time. A few weeks ago she shared another blog on the topic of how painful the “when are you going to have a baby” question can be. This one got me thinking; is something going on with her? I read through the comments and in one breathe she states how rude the question is and how angry she gets when she has to field it and in another she talks about the “pain” she feels when she gets the question in the first place. All things considered I would have to believe something is going on.

Her most recent share was on a blog post discussion how a woman felt her miscarriage was her own fault.

So badly I would love to reach out, ask her what is going on, let her know my husband and I are struggling too and let her know I am here to talk if she needs to vent things out. That being said, I don’t feel I am close enough to her to do that. I don’t want her thinking that I am being nosey or that I am coming from a bad place. And what if I am wrong, what if it isn’t her who is going through the struggle but someone she is close to?

For now I won’t say anything. For now I will keep my mouth shut and hope she is ok, hope she has found people to confide in and a community to help her. If she openly admits there is in fact a struggle, I will reach out. But for now, I will just pray for them, because no one deserves the hurt that comes with IF.

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Confession: I Feel Ashamed

I feel ashamed. Birth announcements have been rolling in (though nothing new) and I have found myself asking the forbidden question, why them and not us. A question I try not to ask because let’s be honest what’s the point.

Most recently my husband came home with news he had received an email from a close friend. Him and his wife were expecting. This is the same couple I wrote about shortly after the new year,  who revealed that they too had been trying and feared their fate matched ours. Well, luck (or whatever it is) was on their side and they are weeks away from finding out what they are having, no doctors, medications, shorts or invasive treatments.

And here is where the shame lies……

I have no doubt they will be the most amazing parents, and no doubt in my mind are they deserving of such a gift….but…. I couldn’t help but feel a little upset. More than anything it was nice not feeling alone in this journey. It was nice having someone to talk to, who actually understands the emotions and frustrations we feel. I confessed these feelings to my husband and he too admitted he was a little down when he heard. Don’t get me wrong, we are so happy for them, sadly right now we are just having a hard time feeling excited. With our IVF starting in just a few short months I think the pressure and stress is starting to set in. Recently our baby talk has become more frequent and serious. Oh how I pray things would out.

I know soon enough it will be my time I only wish it was now.

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Hitting Puberty at 26 (and a half)

A Christmas (half) miracle has come early, sometime late last week I hit puberty (well kind of)! That’s right, this period free PCOSer, for the first time in her life, generated a medication free period (ok well heavy spotting)!! Can you believe it? I know I can’t!

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Part of me is excited. I am not sure what happened but maybe, just maybe, my body is starting to change and act like a normal women’s body should. At the same time, my lack of a period has been so nice in terms of timing my treatments. I have never had to wait for my period before starting a prescription, nor has she suddenly appeared postponing a cycle. So as much as I am excited to have become a women, unless a pregnancy transpires, I would rather this be a fluke.

Following my last failed IUI (June) we have been put in a holding pattern waiting for our upcoming IVF cycle. Because we were waiting 6 months I was instructed to call my doctor every 2 months or so to get a period inducing prescription, helping to ensure I maintain “health” down there. So I wouldn’t forget I set a calendar reminder for September 8th where I had planned to call my doctor but on the 6th I was greeted with a underwear surprise. I couldn’t believe my eyes at first but there it was. In shock and unsure of what to do I called my brother (in med school, just had his OBGYN clinical rotation) and told him what was going on. He just told me to call my doctor….thanks for nothing brother.

So I took a pregnancy test (to confirm what I already knew) and as if to mock me that test showed me the fastest negative to date. Later that morning, with the knowledge I wasn’t pregnant, I called my doctor’s office to talk through what was going on and what (if anything) is next.

Already in a pretty sour mood from the mocking test I quickly became more agitated at the nurse who I got the “pleasure” of talking with. During the call I was told “I just don’t know what you are wanting to do”… isn’t that why I called, to get your professional advice? I was also scolded for them not knowing my intentions to begin IVF sometime in December. I had intended to give them a call sometime late October / early November to get everything figured out. When I asked my doctor about the timing and when I should confirm what we wanted to do she pretty much said, oh just a few weeks before hand is sufficient so that is what I had planned for.

The call went in a vicious circle of the nurse failing to listen causing me more frustration than necessary. She ended up consulting my doctor about everything and calling me back. So orders are officially in for my IVF cycle. They will be calling me “later” with my anticipated timing of treatments where in the meantime I will maintain a period (but not spot) free lifestyle. Come December 1 I will be going into the doctor’s office for a blood test and then we are off on our IVF journey.

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Another Year Come and Gone

A few weeks ago was my husband’s birthday. While shopping for his card at Target I found a card to give him from the dog. (If I haven’t shared my husband has a black lab for a side kick. He is the biggest baby in the world and my husband adores him more than life). Anyway, I wrote on the outside of the card “Papa” because that is what we always refer to him as when we are talking with the dog. Oh I wish you could have seen his face when he saw the card. It broke my heart knowing for a fleeting moment he thought this was my way of telling him I was pregnant when in fact it was just a dumb card “from a dog.”

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I have found my heart to be a little achier the past few weeks. Our anniversary is coming up and every year I write my husband a note recapping our wedding night, talking about my favorite memories of the year, a lesson learned and ending with my hope for the future. In working through my letter I remember last year when I was hoping to have a baby or be well on my way to having one by this time. The realization that another year has come and gone has been weighing on my mind lately.

I am sad it has been so hard for us but grateful it hasn’t been worse. I’m hopeful that this time next year I will be rocking a bump of some size. The funny part, all this has got me thinking about how far we have come in a year. This time last year we were just starting our second round of Clomid. Babies were not a topic of conversation my husband wished to participate in as he still had the mentality of “I will never be ready until I have him/her in my arms.” This year however, it is a daily topic. My husband falls asleep throwing out baby names, and frequently talks about our future child(ren) and what they will be like. Maybe our wait has been a blessing in disguise. Maybe the world needed him to be completely ready before I could bear his child. I guess the only one who can answer that is the big guy above. Either way I am as thankful as I can be for the hand I have been dealt. (For those feeling like your husband just doesn’t get it…hand in there! He will come around.)

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